causation

I have been hungry to have something to cling to,
to have an explanation for why I am here
having this bodily experience
of pain, of confusion, of disarray.

Only the net is tangled, and out of focus —
a jumble of weeds, and where one begins and another ends
is impossible to tell.

It is so tempting to point to a strand and say,
yes, it is you, you have brought me here.

Only when I tug on it, all the entangled others cling to it,
and soon I have formed a knot.

It seems there is no parsing out to be had.
I am talking about causation here, and getting past it.

Not that I don’t want to understand,
but understanding that I cannot understand.

My mind cannot hold the interweaving
of so many motions, interactions, becomings.

Giving up a tidy story is not comfortable,
to be sure, and yet, there is freedom in surrender.

What do you hold onto
when there is nothing to grasp?